Forgiveness
by AlwaysKate11
Summary: Castle and Kate have to deal with the fall out of his secret.  This comes some time after her secret has been revealed and dealt with.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Kate stood impatiently outside of Castle's door. When her first, tentative knock yielded no result, she tried again, this time much louder. When this too went unanswered, Kate let out a sigh of frustration. She wished now that she had called ahead, instead of just impulsively showing up on his doorstep. It would have saved her the surprisingly sharp stab of disappointment that she now felt, realizing that she wasn't going to see him tonight after all. Giving up, she started to turn away when she heard the distinct metallic sound of the deadbolt turning. A second later, she found herself smiling into Castle's startled blue eyes.

"Kate? What are you doing here?" he asked, sounding as confused as he looked.

She walked past him, stopping just inside the door. She hesitated briefly before pushing up slightly onto her toes and kissing him softly. She stepped back, frowning, when he accepted, but didn't reciprocate the gesture.

"Castle?"

"What are you doing here?" he asked again. Suddenly she felt foolish for showing up unannounced. Obviously he wasn't happy about the intrusion.

"I..um, was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by." She felt her cheeks grow warm as the badly cliched words tumbled out out of her mouth without thought. "Listen, maybe I should go," she mumbled, heading back towards the door.

"Wait," he said, gently grabbing her arm as she walked by. "Don't go."

"Are you sure? You seem preoccupied."

"Of course I'm sure. You just took me by surprise." She searched his face. Although he looked sincere, something seemed off. But then he smiled into her eyes and any remaining doubt flew right out of her head. "Here, let me take your coat." He slid the coat slowly down her arms, planting a light kiss on the back of her neck. "Mmmm. You smell nice. New perfume?"

"Uh huh. You like?"

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her back against his chest, nuzzling her neck, inhaling the seductive scent. "I like," he whispered into her ear, smiling as she shivered in response. Turning her around, he dropped a lingering kiss on her now smiling mouth. "I like very much."

"So, what's got you so preoccupied?" she asked breathlessly as they separated.

"Oh. I was, um... working," he said, nodding towards his office.

"Ahh. Let me guess. Working on your latest Nikki Heat book?" She grimaced. As flattering as it was to have a series based on her, she had never quite gotten used to 'being' Nikki Heat.

He didn't answer. Instead he took her hand and led her over to the couch. "Despite my delayed reaction, I'm glad you stopped by. I missed you."

She laughed as she dropped down on the couch next to him. "You just saw me yesterday, Castle. I doubt if you missed me that much after just one day."

"Okay, then why are you here?" He reached over and ran his fingers through the soft waves that half covered her face. "Maybe because you missed me too?"

She did. It scared her how much she missed him after just one day. Not that she'd admit it. Yet. Their relationship was so new, and she was still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that they were finally together. Everyday it got a little easier, but she still had a hard time putting her feelings for him into words.

"So, can I read it?"

"Read what?"

"The novel you're working on. I want to see just how embarrassed I'm going to be when this one hits the shelves," she teased.

"Nope, you'll have to wait until it's finished, just like everyone else." He smiled when she stuck her bottom lip out in a mock pout. "Nice try, Beckett. But I'm the father of a teenaged daughter. I'm immune to the pout."

"Fine. So did you eat yet? Because I was thinking maybe we could order Chinese."

"Or pizza," he countered.

She just stared at him, her eyebrows raised teasingly, waiting for him to give in. He stared right back, in an attempt to convince her that, like the pout, she wasn't going to get her way just by batting those beautiful green eyes at him. Of course the fault in that logic was that when she looked at him like that, he didn't think he could deny her anything. Inevitably, the prolonged eye contact, which had started as a joke, took a serious turn as they both suddenly became aware of the invisible sparks flying between them.

Kate's slight smile faded as Castle slowly leaned over, quickly closing the gap between them. She felt her heart begin to race before he even touched her. The few kisses they had shared to so far had been sweet, tender, getting to know you kisses. He had always pulled away, never pushing too far, taking things slow, for her benefit she was sure. But she could tell from the minute that his lips met hers that this would be different. He wove his fingers in her hair before cradling the back of her head in his large hands, holding her gently, but firmly as if afraid she would pull away. And for the first time, she felt his tongue probe her lips, silently asking for access. She gave it willingly, moaning quietly as it slipped past her open lips into her mouth to tangle gently with hers. The feeling was everything she had expected and more, and she couldn't help but feel disappointed when he suddenly pulled away. "You've convinced me," he said with a sly smile. "Chinese it is. I'll go call it in and be right back."

She watched him walk away, feeling content in a way that she couldn't ever remember feeling before. As she sat there on his couch, the warmth of his kiss still on her lips, she couldn't help but think about the promise of more kisses to follow. Maybe much more than kisses? Did he sense it too? That maybe tonight they would... her thoughts trailed off when she glanced up to find him staring at her. Her heart, which had just regained a normal rhythm, once again began pounding wildly as the heat in his eyes answered her unspoken question. She felt an answering heat, starting low in her belly, spreading quickly to the rest of her body. When he finally turned away, breaking the spell, she sprung up off the coach, unable to sit still a moment longer. Anxious and excited at the same time she started wandering around his living room in an effort to subdue her sudden restlessness.

After looking out of his window briefly, she continued walking aimlessly, stopping when she came to his office door. It was half way open. She looked over her shoulder. He had his back to her, studying the Chinese take out menu. Casually she pushed the door further open, hoping to sneak a quick peek at the chapter he was writing, jumping at the opportunity to distract herself. Looking over her shoulder once more, to be sure he wasn't watching, she slipped silently into the office.

She looked around, finally spotting his closed laptop on the small chair in the corner of the room. Biting her lower lip nervously, she started towards the chair. But before she took another step, a small light caught the corner of her eye. On a small table, on the opposite side of the office. was a large monitor and although the screen was black, the small blue light on the bottom indicated that it was on. Sleep mode. She smiled. The over-sized touch screen monitor was so 'Castle'. She raised her hand and her fingers hovered in front of the screen. But before she could touch it, her guilt got the better of her and she dropped her hand to her side. She turned to sneak back out, and let out a loud gasp when she literally ran into Castle.

"Geez, you scared me half to death! You know, you really shouldn't sneak up on me like that. I'm highly trained in hand- to -hand combat. I wouldn't want to accidentally hurt you." She said it teasingly, her hands raised in loose fists as if preparing to fight. She slowly lowered her hands when he showed no sign of being amused.

"What are you doing in here, Kate?" His tone left no doubt that her presence in his office had upset him.

"I'm sorry. I was just curious about the book." She searched his eyes, shocked at the look she saw there. Anger, yes. But more than that. Fear? Sadness? She couldn't tell, but it scared her. And when he just shook his head and walked away without another word, she followed silently.

She watched as he walked over and sat on the couch, resting his elbows on his knees, his face buried in his hands. She sat down and laid her hand gently on his back, only to remove it when she felt his muscles tense under her touch. "Castle? What's wrong? If it's about the book, don't worry, I didn't look. I was going to, but..." Her voice trailed off when he didn't even look up. She knew he didn't want her to read the book before it was finished, but this had to be about more than the book. When he finally raised his head and looked at her, she could tell that she was right. Something much more was going on here.

"What's is it? Talk to me! Castle, you're scaring me," she said quietly. "Please."

She could see the struggle on his face, his face taut as his jaw tightened. He rubbed his hand wearily over his face and when he removed it, she could see by the defeated look in his eyes that he had decided to tell her. He stood up and held out his hand. She took it and he held it tightly. So tightly it hurt. Suddenly she wasn't so sure she wanted to know what he was hiding from her. But when he started walking towards his office, she reluctantly allowed him to pull her along.

They went in and he shut the door quietly behind them. After giving her hand one last squeeze, he let go. While she stared into his eyes, he slowly raised his hand and touched the smooth screen, instantly bringing it to life. She reluctantly drug her eyes away from his to look at the screen. The first thing she saw was her face looking back at her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Castle watched her as she surveyed the board. He didn't have to look at the monitor to know exactly what she was seeing. Every picture, every word on the screen, was burned into his memory. The light of the monitor reflected in her eyes, and he could see them darting everywhere as she took in all of the information in front of her. After what seemed like minutes, but was probably only seconds, she slowly turned to him. He could see the confusion written all over her face, her brow furrowed as she searched his eyes for answers.

"Castle? What...what is this?" Her voice sounded small. Lost. More than anything he wanted to grab her in his arms and pretend that what she saw on the screen was all there was. Because what was visible now were the same clues that she already had. In fact, the screen looked a lot like the homemade murder board at her place. What she didn't know, couldn't know, was that unlike hers, touching his board would open up a secondary screen. A screen full of names, pictures and clues that she had never seen. Clues from an investigation that she hadn't been a part of. Didn't know anything about.

Suddenly desperate to keep things from spiraling out of control, he was tempted to lead her away without revealing the rest of his secret. Finally, _finally_, she had begun to open up to him. He was just getting used to her sliding her soft hand into his in the elevator. Sweet, delicious kisses when no one was looking. Shy smiles when their fingers brushed as he handed her her morning coffee. He knew that if he showed her the extent of what was on that board he chanced losing all of that. He knew this secret had the potential to ruin everything. And he knew she would be hurt. Was he willing to risk losing her? Did he really have a choice?

In her eyes he already saw hurt and a little anger. In his heart, he already felt the loss. He trailed his finger down her soft cheek "I'm sorry," he said, his voice husky with emotion. Before he could reconsider, he moved his hand, letting his finger mimic the touch on her imagine on the monitor. The second the heat from his finger reached the screen, it responded, replacing the old images instantly with new. As she turned towards the screen, shocked at what she saw there, he slipped out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind him, leaving her alone.

* * *

><p>Kate stood frozen as the images appeared in front of her. Slowly, as if coming out of a fog, it started to sink in exactly what she was seeing. Castle had been working her mother's case! Not just reviewing the information she had shared with him, but really working the case. New clues, new leads, new witnesses. Her heart was racing so hard she could hear it pounding in her ears. She hadn't allowed herself to even think about her mother's case in months. The frustration of never getting anywhere proving to be too much. <em>But now...now with these new leads, there were new possibilities<em>, she thought excitedly! Questions started bouncing around in her mind, unchecked. _How did he get this information? Where did he get it and when? Why didn't he tell me? _It was that final question that stopped her in her mental tracks. Her eyes frantically searched the screen, checking each clue for dates. There was one from just a week ago, but most of them were much older, the first one leading all the way back to when she was shot. She unconsciously brought her hand to her chest as the significance set in. _He's been investigating all this time? Behind my back? _

The first emotion to pop into her head was pain. So strong and swift it robbed her of her breath and almost brought her to her knees. She shoved it aside just as quickly as it came, unwilling to let it take hold and cripple her. Instead, she let anger fill her. Familiar and safer than pain, it gave her the strength she needed to leave the office and confront the man who had betrayed her.

* * *

><p>Castle winced at the sharp crack of his office door connecting with the wall as it was slammed open, his first tangible clue that she was pissed. He was surprised at the level of disappointment that he felt well up in his chest. He had known she was going to be upset, had braced for it, but a part of him had hoped that they had gotten to a point in their relationship that she would trust him enough to hear him out before reacting. Taking a deep breath, he raised his head, letting his eyes meet hers. What he saw there wiped away any sliver of hope that had remained.<p>

He felt his own anger begin to rise to the surface in response to the rage he saw in her eyes, knowing that all he had done was try to protect her. But it quickly faded as he recognized the pain she was trying so desperately to hide. Rarely at a loss for words, he frantically searched for the right thing to say to make things better. But before he could begin to formulate a sentence, she spoke, her voice calm and controlled. He quickly decided that he would prefer her yelling to the strange, toneless words escaping a now expressionless face.

"How could you? I trusted you. You had to know what this would do to me. To us. This is my mother's case. _My _mother's case. You had no right to keep it from me."

"I didn't have a choice."

"Don't give me that. You always have a choice, Castle. Your choice was to go behind my back and keep this from me, with no regards for my feelings!"

"You don't understand, he said-"

"And I thought you were different," she said, cutting him off. "But you're not, you're just like everyone else!"

His anger resurfaced, stung by her unfair attack. "Don't forget, I wasn't the only one keeping secrets!"

"Come on, that's not fair. You can't compare my secret to this. They're completely different."

"You're right," he said quietly. "They are different. You kept your secret for _you_. To make _you _feel better. I kept mine to protect you."

"I didn't need protecting, Rick," she spat out, his name rolling off her lips sarcastically. "I needed you to have my back!"

"I did. I do!"

"You know what, forget it. I don't need your excuses." She snatched her coat off the back of his couch, ramming her arms forcefully into the sleeves. He watched helplessly as she fumbled with the buttons, her hands shaking too badly to accomplish even that simple task.

"Kate, wait. At least hear me out!"

They stared at each other. _Don't walk away, _he thought. _Stay. Show me that what we have is worth at least hearing me out!_

His shoulder's dropped in defeat as she turned abruptly and headed for the door. "Don't walk away," he implored, speaking his thoughts out loud. "Stay. Just let me explain! Please!"

She hesitated for several seconds, her hand on the doorknob and he thought maybe she would stay. "Just send me all of the files you have on my mother's case," she said quietly without turning around. And just like that she was gone.

* * *

><p>The soft click of the door closing behind her was all it took to break her. She leaned her back heavily against the wall outside the door and slowly sunk to the floor. The pain and the tears she had so successfully held at bay in his presence flooding over her now that she was alone. Part of her knew she was being unreasonable. Knew she should at least hear him out. But her pain was too great, too raw... all she could focus on was the fact that he had lied to her just like so many other people had lied to her. She had let him into her life, her heart, and he had betrayed her. Pulling her legs up to her chest, she sat there, tears rolling, her chest on fire as she attempted to pull oxygen into lungs that refused to cooperate.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

When Kate walked into the 12th the following morning, the first thing she noticed was that Castle hadn't yet arrived. She took a deep breath, relieved that she was going to have a few minutes to collect herself before having to face him. After the night she'd had, she needed it. She had spent hours pouring over the e-file that Castle had sent her, not only to glean information about the case, but as a much needed distraction from the strong emotions swirling around in her head, her heart. Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, when she could no longer keep her eyes open, she had gone to bed. Even then, sleep had eluded her as the reality of the situation sunk in. How Castle had betrayed her. Lied to her. How she was alone in her bed, fighting back tears, on the night that she had hoped to spend in his arms.

She settled herself at her desk, the familiarity of her daily routine comforting. She booted up her computer, checked her emails, and got started on the ever present paperwork. She struggled even to do that much. The lack of sleep combined with the uncertainty with Castle made her distractible and restless. If that wasn't bad enough, she felt herself tense up each time the elevator chimed, each time expecting Castle to step out, a mixture of relief and disappointment every time it wasn't him. When the morning was over and he still hadn't arrived, her relief began to turn to concern. She had seen the anger and hurt on his face as she had lashed out. And as she sat, her eyes repeatedly drawn to the empty chair by her desk, she recalled his voice as he begged her to stay even as the door had closed behind her. Maybe she shouldn't be surprised that he wasn't here, but she was. After the way she had reacted, she expected him to be upset, but somehow it had never occurred to her that he just wouldn't show up.

As the afternoon wore on, she became acutely aware of the concerned looks Ryan and Espo had started throwing her way when they thought she wasn't looking. She knew they had to be curious about what was going on with her, especially since Castle was so conspicuously absent, but was grateful that they didn't ask. She didn't think she had the energy to pretend nothing was wrong, and was nowhere near ready to talk about what had happened. In fact, she wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl under her covers and just stay there until the ache in her heart went away. To that end, she was relieved when 5:00 finally rolled around and she could leave. So wrapped up in her thoughts as she gathered her purse and coat, she jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning quickly, she was surprised to find Alexis standing next to her desk.

"Hi Detective Beckett."

"Hey Alexis. How's the internship going?" Kate asked, casually looking around in hopes that if his daughter was here, Castle wasn't far behind.

"Great! I really like working with Lanie. I can't believe how much you can find out about a murder just from examining the body!"

"Good. Lanie likes working with you too. She says you catch on quick." Kate found herself smiling as Alexis' eyes lit up at the compliment.

"So, where's my dad?"

"Um..he's not here."

"Oh. I was going to catch a ride home with him. Did he leave early?"

"Actually, your father didn't come to work today."

Alexis looked confused. "What do you mean? He was already gone when I woke up today. I figured you had called him in early for a case."

Kate immediately felt a knot of fear in the pit of her stomach. She thought about the message he had included with the e-file: _**"You didn't give me the chance to tell you talk about this, but you need to know that your life depended on my keeping you away from this case. If they find out that you know about it, we could both be in danger. Be careful."**_

Could 'they' have somehow known that she found out about the on-going investigation and done something to Castle? She pulled out her phone, forcing a smile to reassure Alexis. "I'm sure he's fine. Let me just give him a call." She dialed the phone, feeling sick when his phone rang and rang before finally going to voice mail. She hung up and slid the phone into her back pocket with now shaking hands. She looked up and met Alexis' eyes, the fear she felt now reflected there. "No answer. Did he leave a note or anything?"

"I don't know. I, I didn't check. I just assumed he was with you. I mean, where else would he be?"

Alexis pulled out her own phone and hit the button assigned to her father's number. After only seconds she visibly relaxed. "Dad! Where are you?"

Kate watched as Alexis listened to her father. She looked up at her a couple of times, which Kate assumed indicated that he was talking about her. "Okay. I will. Yes, I promise. Call me tonight? I love you too."

"He's fine. He said he needed to get away and clear his head." Her suddenly cool tone told Kate that her assumption was correct, and Alexis was aware that his sudden need to clear his head was because of her. But that didn't matter right now.

"Are you sure? He didn't seem off? Nothing different?" The last thing she wanted to do was to scare Alexis, but she had to be sure that Castle was okay.

Alexis looked at her closely. "Something's going on, isn't it? You're obviously worried and Dad's telling me to be extra careful." When Kate didn't answer, she went on. "But to answer your question, no. He sounds sad," she said, looking accusingly at Kate, "but that's it. I would know if something was wrong. Trust me."

She did. Alexis was incredibly attuned to her father and if she said he was okay, he was. The knot in her stomach slowly released and she felt her heartbeat slowly return to normal. She motioned for an officer. "Can you please take Alexis home, and make sure she gets in okay?"

After Alexis left, Kate walked slowly to the elevator, a wave of loneliness washing over her as she stepped in and the door shut softly behind her. She glanced to her right, where Castle should be standing. Now that she wasn't focused on his safety, all she could think about was that he wasn't here. And apparently he was avoiding her calls. She couldn't help but wonder how long he planned on 'clearing his head' and when he'd be back."

* * *

><p>When over a week passed and Kate had to come in every day and face the empty chair next to her desk, she knew she had to do something. She wanted, no she <em>needed, <em>to talk to him. There were so many questions about the case that needed to be asked. Questions that couldn't be answered simply by looking at facts on a murder board.

At least that's what she had tried to tell herself. And her psychiatrist. This whole situation had led her to an emergency session with Dr. Burke. Of course he had called her out about needing to talk to Castle about the case, making her admit to him as well as herself that talking to him had little to do with the case and everything to do with them. She had already come to the obvious conclusion that he wasn't trying to hurt her and was now ready to at least hear him out. She still didn't know if she could get past that he had gone behind her back. That fragile bubble of trust had been broken and she felt an odd numbness deep inside. A numbness that was somehow worse than the anger and hurt she had felt when she became aware of the secret he had been keeping. So even though she didn't know if she could get past this, she knew that she wasn't ready to to walk away. And for the past three days she had been calling him him to tell him that. And for three days she had gotten no response. She picked up her phone and tried again. Again it went straight to voicemail. She hung up and threw the phone on her desk. She couldn't go on like this. One way or the other, she needed resolution. She snatched her coat off of the back of the chair, snatched up her phone and strode purposely for the elevator.

Minutes later, she was walking through the doors of the morgue. Ignoring the body on the slab, she marched over to where Lanie was busy looking at slide under the microscope. She waited impatiently until she looked up.

"Kate, what are you doing here? Is there a body I don't know about?"

"No. I just haven't seen you for a while and thought I'd stop by and say hello."

Lanie looked at her skeptically.

"What? Is there a reason why I can't I just stop by to say hello?"

"No reason why could can't. But you usually don't. So spill. What's wrong?" At Kate's silence, Lanie pushed her stool back from the table, giving her full attention to Kate. "Let me guess. Still no Castle?"

"No. He's not back, won't answer my calls, and I don't even know where he is. I was hoping that maybe Alexis could tell me when he'll be back. Is she here?"

As if on cue, Alexis came around the corner holding a small piece of plastic. "Hey Lanie, here's that slide you were…" She stopped short when she saw Kate standing there. "Detective Beckett. What are you doing here?"

"Hi Alexis. I, um, was wondering if everything is still okay with your father. Do you know when he will be back in town?"

"He's been back. He only went away for a couple of days. But he's been busy. You know, writing and stuff." She said it quickly and Kate noticed how she looked away uncomfortably. She knew that her father was avoiding her but was too polite to say so. Kate watched as Alexis handed the slide to Lanie and went back into the other room without saying anything else.

"Okay," Lanie said, crossing her arms and looking sternly at Kate. "Now you know where he is. So what are you going to do about it?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: I am sorry it took me so long to update. With Spring Break and some family issues going on, I just didn't have time to get back to it. On the up side, I got to meet Stana during Spring Break. One thing off my bucket list :)**

**Chapter Four**

Frozen. That was the only word she could use to describe the way she was feeling. Her feet frozen to the floor. Her arms frozen to her sides. Her heart frozen in her chest. She stood staring at the closed door to his loft unable to take even the small step needed to reach it. She focused on her breathing, trying to break the spell that held her so rigidly in place. "_What is wrong with me?" _she whispered to herself, although she knew the answer. The rest of her life was going to be determined once she knocked on that door. Either she was going to spend the rest of her life with the man she loved, or she was going to walk away a shell of the person she had been just over a week ago.

As she stood there gathering the nerve to knock, her mind automatically went back to the last time she had stood in this exact spot. Full of giddy excitement, their relationship so new and full of promise. And now? Now here she was, afraid to act as she realized just how much she stood to lose.

Together she and Castle had broken down the wall that she had built around herself. Piece by piece- painstakingly small pieces at times- until finally she had felt free to take a small step outside of that wall. With him. For him. Ironically, the wall that had taken years to come down only took one instant to return. Higher, stronger, thicker than before and she feared that she could never let it down again.

"_Please," _she pleaded silently to the man inside. "_Please help me understand why you did this." _She desperately needed to understand. Why would he allow anything to come between them after they had worked so hard to be together? He had become her everything and she had thought she had become his. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was aware of what keeping a secret, _this secret, _would do to them. But he did it anyway.

The need to understand was what ultimately gave her the strength to push through her emotional paralysis and take the step needed to reach the door. That and the small glimmer of hope that just refused to be completely extinguished. After taking several deep, shaky breaths, she quickly reached out and knocked loudly. It opened almost immediately and she smiled tentatively into the blue eyes that met hers through the open door. "Hi Martha."

Her smile faltered when Martha just stared at her until the silence became so awkward that she finally spoke. "Detective."

Kate swallowed hard, blinking back sudden tears that sprang up in response to her cold tone. "Is..." She stopped to clear her throat, the words having a hard time getting past the lump forming there. "Is he home?"

Martha stepped back, her features softening at Kate's obvious distress. "Come on in. I'll go tell him you're here."

Kate nervously watched Martha as she walked away, towards Castle's office, only to be stopped by Alexis who had come bounding down the stairs to see who was at the door. A short but heated argument ensued. Although she couldn't hear what was being said, she was sure Alexis was trying to convince her Grandmother not to tell Castle that she was there. Eventually Alexis nodded and Martha finished the short walk to his office disappearing inside it only briefly before popping back out. She nodded towards the door, indicating to Kate to go in, then put her arm around Alexis, gently steering her towards the stairs, leaving Kate alone in the living room.

* * *

><p>Castle wasn't surprised when his mother came into his office to tell him that she was here. He had been expecting her ever since Alexis had come home earlier and told him that Kate had been asking about him. He poured himself a shot of scotch, drinking it quickly, enjoying the familiar bite of the hard liquor burning his throat and warming his belly. He needed the liquid reinforcement to get through this meeting with Kate.<p>

He sensed her presence before he actually saw her. Looking up, he met her eyes only briefly before turning away. He told himself to just give her the information she needed so she would go. Go before he said something he would regret. He was done apologizing for trying to keep her safe, and he was done begging her to listen to him. He was just done. He stood up, sliding his chair towards her, choosing to stand.

* * *

><p>"Hey Castle," she said quietly, sinking into the soft leather. She could feel the warmth his body left behind and couldn't resist snuggling deeper into the chair, seeking that small connection with him.<p>

"Hey Beckett," he replied. Had he been looking at her, he would have seen the sadness creep into her eyes at his response. _"Beckett," _she thought. Not Kate. If she thought it hurt to hear Martha refer to her as "Detective", it was nothing compared to the stab of pain his choice of words caused. Beckett was his partner. Maybe his friend. Beckett certainly wasn't the woman he loved. Had he said it sarcastically, meant to hurt, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But it had come out casually. As if he no longer thought of her as Kate. She didn't get it. _He_ was the one who had kept the secret from _her_. Why was he so angry?

"I tried calling you."

"I know. I was busy."

"You weren't busy, Castle. You were avoiding me. Why? I thought you wanted the chance to explain?"

He shrugged, eyes focused on a distant object, still not looking at her. "I did. But then you walked out. Just like you always do. The funny thing is, I thought maybe we were past that. That just maybe you had learned to trust me enough to talk to me. Let me explain. But I was wrong." Finally he looked at her, and she shrank back, shocked at the level of pain she saw in his eyes. "I can't keep doing this. We're not perfect. _I'm_ not perfect. People make mistakes. I can't keep worrying that every time something goes wrong you're going to just walk away."

"You know I have trust issues, but I-"

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I have some trust issues of my own? My first wife had an affair with her Director and walked out on me. My second marriage failed miserably. Do you think that was easy for me? I spent the rest of my life avoiding that kind of commitment, going from one relationship to another, never letting anyone get too close. Until I met you. And then everything changed. I thought that maybe I had found the one person that I could let myself commit to. Who was worth risking my heart for. It didn't matter to me that you weren't ready. That you needed time. I was willing to wait. And then just when I thought we had worked through things we end up right back where we started. I don't know. Maybe you aren't ready for us after all. Maybe you never will be." He pushed roughly away from the desk. "Never mind. Let's just get to the reason you're here and call it a night." He reached over and touched the monitor, bringing the screen to life, then pulled out a notepad filled with his handwritten notes on her mother's case. "So, what do you want to know?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Shaking inside, but trying hard not to show it, Kate stood up and walked to the other side of the small office. She wanted to give herself some space, needing a minute to process. Castle's words had thrown her. She had known he had been married twice before, and of course was very aware of his active social life. But it never occurred to her that it had made such an impact on him. That he had come away with trust issues when it came to relationships. How could she? He had never told her. _"And you never asked," _she told herself, feeling a twinge of remorse. She had been so focused on her own pain and insecurities that she hadn't recognized those same aspects in him.

Walking into his office, she had known that he cared about her, loved her even, but until that moment, she had no idea just how deep his feelings ran. Her heart swelled with emotion as she replayed his words. How he waited for her; was willing to risk his heart. _For her_. But what touched her the most was the phrase "Until I met you." It just kept echoing inside her head, and she knew that no matter what happened between them tonight, she would cherish those words forever.

Had there been any lingering doubts about his feelings for her, what she saw when she finally turned around would have pushed them away. Her heart ached for the broken man before her. Shoulders slumped, a look of complete defeat on his face, he stood watching her. At that moment she wanted nothing more than to lean into him and let them comfort each other. She wished she could forget everything and just pretend that the secret didn't exist. Or that she could just forgive him and move on. Maybe if she was someone else she could. But she couldn't. It wasn't her and she knew that it would always be there, eating away at her, if she didn't get the answers she sought. Slowly she walked over and turned off the computer screen. "I'm not here to get answers about my mother's case, Castle."

If the situation wasn't so serious, she would have laughed at the look on his face as he stared at her, his eyes narrowed suspiciously, as if he wasn't sure he heard correctly.

"Then why are you here?"

"You spent months investigating my mother's case behind my back. You know me, Castle. You had to know what that would do to me. How could you keep something like that from me?"

"You know why. I told you. He said to keep you away from the case. It was the only way to keep you safe."

She shook her head, "That's not good enough. I'm a cop. Not just a cop, I'm a _homicide_ detective. It's my job to hunt down killers and I make a lot of enemies doing it. It's not like this was the first time I've been threatened and unfortunately, it won't be the last. You know that. So even though I know you were just trying to protect me, Castle, you had no right to keep something like that from me!"

"You really don't get it, do you?" he asked sadly.

"No, I don't." She finally gave into the urge to touch him, grabbing his arm. "But I want to."

He searched her eyes, and she saw the struggle there. She knew he had reason not to trust her. After all, he had tried to talk to her before only to have her walk out on him.

She let her hand slide down his arm until it landed in his. "Please Rick," she pleaded quietly. "I should have listened to you before. I'm ready to listen now. No more running away. Just talk to me."

* * *

><p>He really didn't want to do this. He was emotionally drained. This past week had brought back the terror of that day almost a year ago that he almost lost her. The last thing he wanted to do was try and put into words why he made the decision he did. But how could he refuse to tell her everything? When she was looking at him the way she was, a mixture of hurt and question in her eyes. Eyes that had dark circles under them that matched his, telling him that she too had lost more than her fair share of sleep.<p>

He released a sigh of resignation as he laced his fingers with hers. "Alright. But not here," he said, leading her out of his office. He sat down on the couch, leaning against the armrest, and she followed him, settling into his arms, her back resting firmly against his chest, their hands still linked around her belly. They sat that way for several moments both simply enjoying the physical contact. Finally he spoke, his voice low and strained as he did his best to give her a window into his world.

"You were losing it. I know you couldn't see it, but everyone around you could. You were obsessed with your mother's case. You didn't care about anyone, or anything else. Everyone was so worried about you. Your father even showed up here to beg me to stop you. Did you know that? That your father came to see me?" She nodded, her hair tickling his cheek with the slight movement. He reached up with his free hand and tucked the offending locks behind her ear. Having her in his arms was distracting enough. "I came to see you. I tried, but I couldn't get you to listen."

"I know. And I pushed you away. I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't. Just hear me out," he said kissing her on the temple to soften the harsh tone. Now that he had gotten started, he just wanted to finish telling her everything and figure out where this was going to leave them.

"I felt so helpless. Everyone was telling me that I was the only one who could stop you. Roy. Your father. But I couldn't. You were so determined… all I could do was sit back and watch everything fall apart. Then Roy called and asked me to come and get you." He shuddered as he remembered the events of that night. How he had carried her away, kicking, screaming, begging him to let her go. Hearing the shots, knowing what it meant. "I can't help but wonder if I had let you go, if maybe Roy…" his voice broke, the guilt and pain of the Captain's death rolling over him.

* * *

><p>She felt his arm tighten around her, his fingers cutting into hers as his whole body tensed. <em>Surely he didn't blame himself for any of this<em>? she thought, her stomach sick at the thought. She wanted to tell him that none of that was his fault, but she forced herself to remain quiet. Instead she pulled his other arm around her and held them firmly against her, trying to offer him comfort with her touch. It seemed to work, because she felt his body relax slightly and he when started talking again, his voice was steady.

"I felt like I was walking in a fog after his death. He was gone. You and I were in an uneasy truce and I didn't know what to do to fix it. You were so in control, so focused. It scared me. I knew what Roy meant to you, and I was afraid that sooner or later you were going to crack. I thought if we could just get through the funeral…" Now it was her turn to tense up, her fingers biting into his arms as she knew what came next in this story. "One minute you were standing there, then there was a flash and you were on the ground, so still. And the blood, Oh God, Kate, _your blood!_ Do you know what it was like for me? Holding you, scared that you were going to die in my arms? Without me ever telling you that I loved you? Then that horrible ride to the hospital, my mind racing, terrified that I was going to have to live the rest of my life without you in it. Do you have any idea what I went through that day? Watching you struggle to breathe, the paramedics shouting orders, the look on Lanie's face that told me that things were as bad as it gets."

Tears fell unchecked down her cheeks and by the way his voice had fallen apart again, and his chest heaved against her, she suspected his were too. She turned her body, curling into him, burying her face in his chest, one arm finding its way around his neck holding him tight. "So when I got that call," he went on, his voice raspy and raw, "telling me that the only way to keep you safe was to keep you away from the case, I never thought twice. And every time I woke up in the middle of the night, calling your name, the sound of the gun shot echoing in my mind, reminding me of how it felt to watch your life slipping away from me, I told myself that it was worth it. To keep this secret. To keep you safe. Even if it meant losing you. I won't apologize for keeping you safe, Kate." He buried his face in her soft curls and whispered, "but I'm sorry, so sorry, for hurting you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

She wasn't sure when the tears turned to actual crying, or when the crying turned to sobs, but here she was, sobbing hard, her whole body shaking as she clung to him. She grabbed him harder, her hands twisting themselves in his shirt in an attempt to comfort him. Or herself. She wasn't sure anymore. She couldn't think. All she could do was feel. Him. His chest solid under her head, his heart pounding in her ears. And most of all, his arms, warm and comforting around her, holding her so tightly that she almost couldn't breathe.

She rarely let herself fall apart like this and _never_ in front of anyone else. Somewhere inside she knew she should stop, should be embarrassed by this display of weakness, but she couldn't stop even if she wanted to. And surprisingly she didn't. She had spent so much of her life holding back, holding it together, afraid to let go and feel. More importantly, afraid to trust anyone enough to let it go with. She had never felt safe enough. Until now.

Several minutes later, she finally felt herself regaining control, her sobs quieting, leaving her shaking and exhausted. His arms loosened and she felt his hands in her hair, rubbing gently over her back, his voice quiet and soothing in her ear as he told her that it was going to be okay. And for the first time since this whole thing began, she believed him. She felt different. And she knew that she had been wrong.

Wrong not to have listened to him in the first place. Wrong not to have trusted him. And most importantly, she was wrong to think that the wall could never come down again. Because hearing him tell her why he had kept this from her, how everything had affected him, had sent that wall crashing down. Not just down, but gone. Every brick dismantled and ground to dust. There was nothing of it left.

She pushed herself up gently, her hands resting on his chest, until she was sitting looking at him. She knew she must look a mess, but just didn't care. She let out a shaky breath as he used the pad of his thumb to gently wipe away the few remaining tears from cheeks flushed from crying. She felt new ones spring up at the love and concern that shown in his eyes as he tried to figure out what was going on.

Again he started to apologize, but she stopped him, placing her fingers gently on his mouth. "I have to be honest, Castle. I _hate _that you kept that secret from me. Really hate it. But now I understand why you did. And I'm the one who's sorry. I should have listened to you." She leaned forward, sinking back into his arms, nestling her head under his chin, smiling into his chest when his arms went around her again. She closed her eyes, content to just lay there, letting him hold her.

She felt so connected to him, their breathing and even their heartbeats seemingly in sync. She felt so in-tuned to him that she immediately sensed the change in him. The small hitch in his breathing, the subtle increase in his heart rate. The hands that had laid gently on her back, began a slow, tentative journey up her spine until it reached her hair. He let his fingers play in her curls briefly before dragging them back down, ending just at the hem of her shirt. Who knew that such a small touch could be so incredibly arousing? All he was doing was rubbing her back and she felt her body coming alive under his hands. She realized he had stopped and it occurred to her that he was waiting for her to respond, to see where she wanted this to lead. She didn't want to think that far ahead, all she knew was that she didn't want him to stop. Didn't want to lose this feeling. She tilted her head back, just slightly, and pressed her mouth against his neck, thrilled at the leap in the pulse that jumped under her lips. She moved higher, kissing the spot behind his ear, feeling almost dizzy as she inhaled the unique scent that was all Castle. Pushing up on her knees, her hands resting on his shoulders, she let her eyes meet his. The longing she saw in them shook her to her core. Had anyone ever looked at her quite like that before?

Slowly she leaned forward until her lips met his. She kissed him softly, as her hands slipped into his hair. His hands slid down, resting on her hips, gently pulling her down until once again she was laying on top of him. He slid his hand up, his fingers edging underneath the hem of her shirt. She couldn't keep a small moan from escaping her lips when his fingers grazed her bare skin, the sensation like small flames on her flesh. Her reaction caused an answering reaction in him, and he deepened the kiss, his tongue sweeping into her mouth, sliding against hers as his hands traveled higher, stopping when they met the lace band of her bra.

When she felt him toying with the small fastener and she realized where this was quickly leading, she reluctantly pulled away. Resting her forehead on his, she whispered, "Castle, we can't. Your mom. Alexis." Their breathing sounded harsh in the quiet room as they slowly separated, their bodies reluctant to part.

"I can't believe I forgot that my daughter was upstairs. See what you do to me," he said, grinning. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, noticing the sadness in her eyes.

She shrugged, leaning into his shoulder. Mentioning Alexis reminded her about her chilly reception when she arrived earlier. "It's nothing really." She nodded towards the stairs. "They're upset with me. Especially Alexis. She didn't even want to let me talk to you."

He kissed the top of her head gently. "I know. I'll talk to them tomorrow. It'll be fine, I promise. They care about you, Kate. But they're my family, they worry about me."

'My family'. She knew it was silly, but it stung for some reason. Knowing that even now she was an outsider, looking in. Suddenly she wanted very much to be a part of his family. She felt the familiar sting of tears and swallowed hard, blinking them back. She refused to let anyone or anything keep her from being happy.

"I better get going. It's late and we have work in the morning."

"We," he repeated, savoring the word. "I like that."

"Yeah. Me too."

Reluctantly she stood up. It _was_ late, and she was tired, but she hated to leave. He reached up and grabbed her hand, pulling her back down onto the couch. She smiled, thinking he was planning on one more kiss before she left. Instead he just looked at her seriously. Still holding her hand, he said, "This means a lot to me. This. Us. We both had our reasons for keeping secrets, but it almost tore us apart. I don't want secrets to ever come between us again. If we are going to make this work, we need to be honest with each other. Always." He smiled warmly when he said it, this word that has meant so much to both of them. She looked away, biting her lower lip nervously. When she glanced back at him, she could tell by the way he was looking at her that he hadn't missed her slight withdrawal.

She knew he was right. If they were going to make this work, they had to have complete honesty. But there was something she was holding back. Something she wanted desperately to tell him, but when she had tried before, the words had always stuck in her throat. She loved him. More than she could imagine ever loving anyone. '_Surely he knows how I feel?' _she thought to herself. '_I don't need to say the words. Not yet.' _Instinctively she knew that he wouldn't be mad at her for holding onto those words until she was ready. But suddenly it seemed like not saying them was like keeping a secret. She turned to him, determined to just tell him. But she just couldn't get the words to come out. Her mouth went dry and her chest felt tight as she struggled to tell him how she felt. '_Tomorrow,' _she told herself, immediately feeling her breathing return to normal at the small reprieve. '_I will absolutely tell him in the morning."_

She stood back up, smiling brightly at him. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She could tell by his expression that he knew something was off with her, but he smiled back and simply said, "Tomorrow." And she loved him for that.

She stood there for a moment, hoping he would get up and walk her to the door. When he didn't move, she turned and walked slowly to the door, letting herself out. She had only taken a few steps when she realized she just couldn't leave. She turned around and retraced her steps quickly. Taking a deep breath, she raised her fist to knock. Before she could, the door flew open and Castle stepped out, nearly crashing into her as he yelled "Kate!"

She couldn't help but grin at the shocked look on his face when he found her standing right outside his doorstep. "You don't have to yell, Castle. I'm right here." She stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly to her. "I'm right here," she said again, whispering it in his ear. He pulled back, and held her face in his hands, watching her intently. There was such a mixture of love and longing in his eyes, that she couldn't hold the words back now if she tried. "I love you, Castle," she said breathlessly . The words had barely left her lips when his mouth covered hers in a kiss so tender it brought tears to her eyes. She hadn't anticipated the strong emotion that flooded through her as she said those three little words out loud. And when he started to pull away, she couldn't resist saying them one more time. "I love you," she breathed softly, their breath mingling in the small space between them before she closed the gap, sealing her words with a kiss so powerful it left them both trembling.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

**Epilogue**

**Six months later…**

Kate was curled up on the couch with Castle, reading. Her back was pressed firmly against his chest, his hand resting possessively around her waist. Ever since they had spent those emotional moments together months ago while sitting in that very position, it had become their routine to end the evening together on the couch snuggling before she went home. Kate laid her hand on top of his, aware that he was unusually tense. She had asked him several times what was wrong and his answer was always the same. Nothing. Of course she didn't believe him, but she trusted him to share when he was ready. Trust, she thought to herself. What a great feeling.

She sighed contentedly, and then closed her eyes, suddenly drowsy. Her eyes popped back open moments later when she felt the small flutter in her belly. She held her breath, moving Castle's hand slightly to the left. When the next flutter came, she heard his gasp and smiled. She had been feeling the tiny kicks for a couple of weeks, but this was the first time it was strong to be felt from the outside. She turned her head to look at him. The look of love and wonder in his eyes caused a flutter of another sort entirely. She sat up and leaned over to kiss him, but pulled back when the front door flew open.

"Daughter coming through," Alexis called out teasingly, with her hand covering her eyes. While she had never actually caught her father and Kate in the act, she had certainly come across them in some compromising situations which had embarrassed all three of them. Now she made her presence abundantly clear anytime she entered a room when she knew Kate was there.

"We brought Chinese," Martha added as she followed Alexis through door her arms full of small white boxes. "You will join us for dinner, won't you dear?" she asked looking at Kate. Kate started to decline, feeling very tired, as she always seemed to lately, but then her stomach growled loudly and with a sheepish grin, told Martha she would love to. Castle gave her a quick kiss on the mouth and jumped up to help Martha with the food. Kate couldn't help but smile when she heard him telling his mother about feeling the baby kick, his voice full of excitement.

She laughed when Alexis rolled her eyes. "You'd think this was his first time feeling a baby kick." She said it sarcastically, but Kate could see the smile she was trying to hide."Um, Kate. Do you think-"

"Of course, come sit down," Kate said, patting the space next to her on the couch. When she did, Kate took her hand and placed it on her small, rounded belly. She felt a little self-conscious, but it was well worth it to see Alexis blue eyes fill with amazement when she felt the small kick. "I can't believe there is a little baby in there!" Alexis said, her voice full of awe.

"Chow time," Castle yelled from the kitchen, eliciting a shared smiled between Alexis and Kate. Kate felt her mouth begin to water as she walked over to the table. She knew that certain foods made some pregnant women sick, and she had worried that she would have to give up her favorite, Chinese. But luckily that hadn't been the case for her. In fact, the opposite was true, and she wasted no time filling her plate and digging in. It wasn't until she finally put her chopsticks down that she became aware that everyone was watching her. She felt her cheeks heat as she realized how much she had eaten in only a few minutes. Everyone else's plates were still full and she had already consumed two generous helpings of everything. Kate noticed that Martha and Alexis both looked amused, but Castle did not.

"Is everything okay?" she asked him, worried about the anxious look on his face.

He responded by pushing a small plate towards her. "Here. Have a fortune cookie."

She groaned and pushed it back. "No thanks, I couldn't eat another bite."

"But Kate," Alexis said emphatically, "you have to. It's bad luck not to have the fortune cookie. Right Gram?"

"Absolutely," Martha agreed. "Very bad luck."

Castle pushed the plate back, staring at her.

She shrugged and took a cookie. With all of them looking on anxiously, she broke the cookie, pulling out the small white paper.

"What does it say?" Alexis asked.

Kate read the fortune out loud: "You will soon marry the man of your dreams." She swallowed hard and put the paper down, grabbing another cookie. She broke it and pulled out the fortune. "You will soon marry the man of your dreams," she said again, this time quietly, her voice shaking. She turned to Castle who was watching her intently. She felt her throat swell with emotion when he grabbed her hand and sank down onto one knee. He pulled a small box out of his pocket and opened it, revealing the shiny band inside. "Katherine Beckett," he said, his voice betraying how nervous he was. "Will you marry me?" She covered her mouth with her shaking hand, tears falling. He stood up immediately, obviously alarmed by her tears. "You don't have to answer now. Take as much time-" He didn't get any further before she launched herself into his arms, kissing him over and over. "Yes. Of course I'll marry you!Yes, yes, yes!"

She smiled against his lips when she heard Martha's dramatic, happy whooping behind her. She turned around and was almost knocked over as Martha and Alexis threw themselves at her and Castle, hugging them both excitedly. She was surprised and touched at the genuine happiness she saw in their faces as they each offered their sincere congratulations.

Twenty minutes later, Kate found herself back on Castle's couch while Martha and Alexis cleaned up dinner in the kitchen. She had offered to help, but was shooed out and told to relax on the couch. She hadn't argued. The excitement of the evening combined with her body's new need for extra rest had taken its toll. On top of everything else, she had just come off of yet another crying jag after finding the word 'Always' engraved on the inside of her engagement ring. Castle had politely refrained from laughing at her hormonal outburst, instead gently kissing away her tears before going down to pull the car around. Afraid she would fall asleep if she stayed on the couch any longer, she got up and joined Alexis and Martha in the kitchen, listening as they discussed their upcoming trip to the Hamptons.

"Do you realize, this will be my last weekend trip to the Hamptons before I go off to college and everything changes?" Alexis said quietly, her voice tinged with sadness. Martha reached over and gave her hand a comforting squeeze.

"I do realize that. We will just have to make sure it's a special vacation, now won't we? Speaking of which, we better check out your wardrobe. We may need to do some shopping," she added, a gleam in her eye. After giving Kate a quick hug, she headed upstairs to Alexis' room.

Alexis surprised Kate when she also gave her a quick hug and said "I'm glad you said yes," before turning to follow her grandmother. Alexis was halfway up the stairs when Martha reappeared in the hallway, leaning over the railing. "Oh, Kate," she called down. "I almost forgot. You'll want to make sure to pack a light jacket. It can get cool in the evenings in the Hamptons."

Although she was flattered to be invited, she thought about Alexis and Martha's conversation. The last thing she wanted to do was to intrude on their last Hampton's vacation before Alexis went off to college. She knew how much it would mean to Alexis to have that time with her father and grandmother.

"Thanks for inviting me Martha. I appreciate it. Really. But this is your vacation. You guys go and enjoy yourself."

Alexis stopped climbing and turned around to look at Kate, frowning. "What are you talking about? You have to go. It _is_ a family vacation after all. And you're part of the family." She said it casually before turning and running the rest of the way up the stairs to join her grandmother, unaware of how significant her words were.

Several minutes later Castle arrived to find Kate staring up the stairs, tears once again glistening in her eyes. "Everything okay?" he asked as he pulled her close. She wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her cheek on his chest. She had Castle, his family and a precious new life on the way. As if on cue, she felt that little life stir inside her. "Everything is perfect," she said with a sigh. "Just perfect."

**The End**


End file.
